A kayaker paddling in the Potomac River found an empty bottle of Schlivovitz with a note inside floating in the water. He turned the note over to Washington D.C. police department.
The note read: "Help! This is your President speaking! Dennis Ross, Hillary and Geithner have locked me in the Oval Office broom closet. They will only let me out to go to the bathroom and read prepared statements going along with neo-liberal economic policies, neo-con war-making policies and heartless social policies.
I also have to write 'whatever Israel does is good for America,' and 'I'll never have another small, tactical difference with Netanyahu ever again,' on a blackboard 100 times a day. They've replaced me with a double and Michell and the kids can't tell the difference."
A D.C. police representative said they will "look into the matter" and open an investigation.
A confidential source within the top secret Self-Deluded Liberal squad of the D.C. police told a reporter: "I've suspected something like this was going on. How else can you explain the policies and statements coming from the White House? We all know that President Obama is dedicated to liberal New Deal social leveling programs, fair taxation, non-military diplomatic solutions to world problems and cries himself to sleep at night worrying about the plight of the Palestinian people."